How We Grieve
How We Grieve
Our individual coping responses to loss are referred to by grief experts as grieving styles. Our grieving style may be influenced, but is not determined, by our gender, ethnicity, and culture. For a person with autism, their way of coping may be shaped by their strengths, challenges, cognitive processes, and trauma history. Each of us needs to, and should be, encouraged to express grief in ways that are comfortable for us.
Understanding different grieving styles can be helpful as you cope with your own grief and as you support an autistic who is grieving. It can also be helpful in managing potential conflicts. While grief in neurotypical people has been widely studied, the experience of grief in autistic adults is an emerging field.
Interviews with autistic adults as well as the experience of professionals who work with them suggest that autistic individuals tend to display grieving styles that are similar to the neurotypical population. We encourage you to remain open to how your loved one with autism expresses grief and give them space to share their grief if, and when, they are ready.
Grieving Styles
Research on the neurotypical population has identified four common styles of grievers, and these styles may also be reflected in the autistic population. The four common styles are:
- “Heart” grievers – These people experience grief as a highly emotional reaction and might express their feelings through crying, rage, or withdrawal. Also known as “intuitive” grievers, they experience and express strong, and even contradictory, emotions such as anger, guilt, loneliness, sadness, or yearning for the person who died.
- “Head” grievers – They express grief in a cognitive way by thinking about the person often and taking action in response to the death. Also known as “instrumental” grievers, they might immerse themselves in “doing things” such as making a photo album, putting together a music playlist, or engaging in physical exercise.
- “Heart + Head” grievers – These individuals express grief in some combination of the two styles above and are also known as “blended” grievers.
- “Heart vs. Head” grievers – They experience grief as a highly emotional reaction but repress these feelings.
No style or pattern is better or worse, right or wrong. Different grieving styles don’t need to be a source of conflict. In fact, the differences in the styles of coping within families or among friends can be beneficial, as the patterns can complement each other. For example, a “head” griever may find solace in choosing music or readings for a service, while the “heart” griever may find comfort in drawing a picture of the deceased or speaking about their loved one at the service.
A Helpful Tip about Grieving Styles
As you help your autistic loved one cope with grief, it is important to remember and share with them that:
- We grieve because we love.
- We can’t expect others to grieve the same way we do.
- We grieve on our own time schedules.
- We each grieve differently, and in the way that is right for us.
- We should support each other regardless of different grieving styles.